Everyone all around the world is looking for it. Not everyone admits it but we are all vulnerable children looking for true love. Looking for unconditional love.
“Oh what does that girl know?!” You would be surprised- I do know a lot. So keep reading.
Love is being vulnerable. Love is connection! Love is being able to be yourself, and I mean the real you, in front of that special person. Love is feeling happiness by comforting that person. Love is unconditional. Love is pure. Love needs full commitment.
So why do more than 50% of marriages end in a divorse nowadays? Why is it so easy to break up with someone nowadays? Why are we afraid to commit at all?
To answer the commitment question: We live in a world of dating apps.
Being a girl on a dating app is just overwhelming. Being a type guys fall for and being intelligent makes it even worse 40 messages from 40 different guys a day is no rarity. Don’t believe me, check this out: even the app itself is noticing that!
And the intentions of those messages change with the dating app. While Tinder is all about superficial traits and mainly physical attraction and sexual urges, is OKC and Pepper a more selective app based on personality traits or at least how someone sees himself while answering questions.
The rules: Once you connect with one of the million people out there it is your call to make things work, isn’t it?
I went on many dates in the past couple of years, I have met many interesting people and some more unpleasant ones. The more serious it seemed to become after some time the less interested I became. Why was that?
I told myself that the more I got to know guys the less I liked them, but can this be true? There have to be personalities out there worth loving right? Most of the time I was the one rejecting, but not always.
The problem is that we have way too many options. On a quiet day I receive around 40 messages from only one app. Let’s say half of them are serious and are looking for something serious and someone to connect with. That leaves me with 20 potential candidates. Lets say 10 of them are totally not my type (yes being superficial). This brings me back to 5 potential candidates. Now imagine talking and getting to know 5 people a day… Every day 5 new guys join that gorup of candidates. Some drop out during that process. Then there are also guys you meet in real life, adding some more guys to my list. How can anyone, irrespective of how intelligent he or she is or how good he or she is in multitasking every keep up with such an overload of information?
Getting to know any of them is not impossible if you just decide to stop talking to the 100 other people. Focussing on one person , getting to know one person and giving all your attention to one person is not easy anymore. There are too many options and why should we select if we can have them all? This basically is a nightmare. “Nightmare?” you think.. yes I mean it. At least this is nothing I am enjoying myself. “Oh then just focus on one. Whats the problem?”
Yesss right so how this works: You cut out the rest in order to focus on the lucky one. However, you realize that he has the same problem and he is not focussing on you. Why should he? He has a lot of attention, and who doesn’t like attention of several women? Fair enough. But that leaves you in a stupid situation. You are “giving up” all the other guys only to get to know him better and he still is interested in others. Yeah it does not really feel good or fair right?! This is your ego talking. If he does not settle for one I will not settle, fullstop.
We tend to forget that everyone wants to feel special. Everyone wants to be the chosen one. But no one is ready to choose anymore. Why choosing if yo can have them all?
Apart from not being able to focus on one person and of never being able to really love that way, I find it actually respectless. Everyone deservse respect. And everyone wants to be respected. Keeping yourself busy with many people at once tells them that none of them is worth your full energy and none of them is good enough to deserve your full attention.
I do not believe that my grandparents and their parents knew better what love is. I am very sure that our generation does know it just as well as they did. However, giving up the freedom and the attention is a step most of us are not ready to do under those circumstances of today.
The grass in the neigbours garden will be greener, always. This is the rule. The master just knows that if he keeps being distracted by the neighbours grass he will forget to take care of his own one and a vicious cycle will start.
I am not saying that dating apps are bad. No, I think dating apps work for many people, people who would be too shy to talk to a girl they like. It is our own choice to misuse them. We confuse true love with love which constists of little tiny bits of all our potential candidates. And the bottom line is, the love and attention might seems the same of even bigger and that might comfort yourself and give us the feeling of satisfaction. In the end, when your house of cards breaks down slowly but surely, you will be left with nothing but emptiness. Because we choose not to invest in true love but in temporary collective love and attention.
How to prevent this? Some people are able to see things from different perspectives and might have the capasity to understand why we are doing what we are doing and therefore prevent this disaster. Others have to hit the bottom (me included)- have to experience rejection or emptiness, have to lose in order to understand and hopefully learn without too much collateral damage.
Lots of love,